0 | Uploaded on May, 27,
2012 | 1 hour ago just feeling overall worthless again. too lazy to get up and get journal. 4:30am, should’ve been to bed earlier. 10% battery so i have to go to bed now cuz charger is… somewhere. happy birthday to the one who wont get out of my head. and to the one with that i share a bed…. i love you. i wish i could make you happier. i’m sorry i’m such a failure. i’m sorry to both of them that i’m a failure. why does it bug me that he texts other girls when it’s extremely obvious nothing is going on or will go on…? why does it bother me that you can just make friends, and text them all day and it’s like, all of a sudden they’re part of our lives? maybe i didn’t want that person to be a part of our lives like that. she is a nice girl but i don’t want you to be that good of friends with her. not just because she’s a girl but because it’s too sudden. but i can’t stop you because you are an extrovert, and you need to have a lot of friends. and that’s what causes me to feel constantly left in the dirt. i know i deserve to be alone. it will happen. god i just wish i wasn’t so screwed up. no ambitions, no drive, nothing. it all disappeared. where do i go… i go nowhere. i’ll just die shrivelled up and miserable. unaccomplished. i see nothing for myself. i’ll never be a singer or an actress or a model… that’s not in the books for me cuz i screwed it all up. i could never focus on one thing and become good at it so i’ve become nothing. and i still can’t focus. now i’m stuck in debt and when i get out of it, what will i do? school? who knows. what would i take? you have to be already good at something to get in. i’d fail an acting audition. i’d fail music auditions. i already failed the design portfolio “audition”. i hate how you say you suck at things like writing music when you’re obviously fucking amazing. don’t ever say that shit again, seriously. if you suck at writing music, then i really am the scum of the earth. and i already feel enough like the scum of the earth, so thanks. every girl max has been involved with had something creative going for them: saxophone, drawing, photography, drawing again. i have absolutely nothing, and that’s why he left me… i know that now. and i shouldn’t even care, i should do something about it right? but what do i do? where do i start? is it possible to find a niche this late? two decades of goddamn wasted time. 20 whole years. i’ve practiced singing, i’ve practiced drawing, acting, photography, writing, instruments, film making, audio work… i’ve done it all and i still can’t pick one. i’m still worthless. scum. pathetic. there you go texting again. does anyone else feel as empty as me? no family, no friends, no money, no talent, no future? i have a mom - homeless and as pathetic as me. a couple friends - barely talk to me. boyfriend - i’m always confused in love. i’m always doing something wrong. a job - mostly embarrassing to admit to it, but it’s fun while i’m there most of the time. interests - but nothing of substances. merely hobbies. gotta sleep now before i lose it. oh look the sun. fuck me…
